I have read and heard different things on marriage and after a lot of search i saw it wise to write this piece.
This is especially to single ladies but I’m sure married ones will also benefit.
This is not about being a feminist and I do hope no one will take offense but take something from this write up. These are my opinions and not some rules to be adhered to by all means.
I am not perfect but I’m going to use personal examples to buttress some of my points. I have only been married for 6 years so may not have enough experience as some other people do.
Ladies need to start placing values on themselves
We are quick to say it’s a man’s world which I totally disagree with. God created the world for both male and female. I’ve even heard someone say God did not plan to create women so women are second thoughts. I do think some women belief this and that’s why they settle for less and carry their cross.
On the issue of marriage, it’s like the burden is on women only. I hear stuffs about a good woman building her home all the time. We are asked to pray for a cheating man, as men are polygamous in nature. Lies from hell.
Call me a feminist, I don’t understand why men easily get away with some things and if a woman does the exact same thing, all hell will be let loose. Even fellow women will be the first to crucify her. Talk of double standards and I know God is not like that. You are either a Christian or you are not and by your fruits (male or female), people will know.
I am directing this mainly to single ladies because you still have time to change or get yourself out of that unprofitable relationship. It’s not your duty to marry a wayward man and start your married life by praying for him to change. What you see is what you get, you cannot change a man (or woman). Only God can.
I have spoken to single ladies and I have no idea what dating/courtship period is meant for anymore. I think this is the period where a whole lots of issue should be trashed out so you can make an informed decision whether you want to go through this for the rest of your life or run as far as your legs can carry you. I know a lot of people say men lie and pretend and change when married. I do belief a whole lot of men always had it in them before getting married but women overlooked it or thought; it wouldn’t matter, marriage will change him, all men are like that, I’m getting too old, I can’t get anyone better, no one is perfect, I have to make it work bla bla bla. All these I see as excuses. I will mention a few of the things I think must definitely be talked about before getting married.
1. Where you will live: I am of the school of thought that once married, endeavor to stay together to figure yourselves out, especially in the first few years. I understand sometimes circumstances may not permit but you’ve got to try. So many things happen in the first few years and how you handle these will go a long way to determine the future of your home.
2 In-laws: you need to know who is more important. You, his mother, father, brother or sister. If stuffs happen whose side is he going to be on? Who is he going to belief? How involved will the in-laws(both sides) be in your home. Are they going to be giving him advise he has no choice but to follow or are you both going to figure out your own ways without their influence. No cheating. It’s got to be the same for both sides. Whose opinion matters the most? Is he going to protect you from his family if they suddenly stop being nice to you, especially when they realize you are the center of his attention. Many homes have been broken today because of the influence of a third party (in-laws or even friends). You are meant to leave your families and cleave to one another, building your own home for the future generation.
3. His friends: How much time does he spend with them? How does he treat you in their presence now that you are not yet married. Do his friends respect you? How much does he hang out with them. If you are a lady that wants your husband home immediately after work, I don’t think you have any business dating or marrying a man who thinks or acts otherwise. This is because when you get married, loneliness will kill you and you’ll begin to look for trouble where there is none. If a man does not respect you, he is not worthy to be your head. Place a value on yourself.
4. Cheating: where do you both stand. If a man thinks cheating is a way of life and you have to keep forgiving him, you are just wasting your time then. Purity is demanded from both male and female. If you let him think, cheating is normal and its your job to keep forgiving, so be it. I did tell my husband while we were dating these words ‘cheating is a deal breaker for me. If you cheat once, I’m gone’. If I’m keeping myself for you 100%, I expect nothing less from you. Plus he knows I’m a woman of my word.
5. Religion: iron sharpens iron. If you are a strong Christian, don’t bother getting married to someone that is not. It’s going to be hard. If he does not go to church while you are dating, what makes you think marriage will change him and then he suddenly becomes a pastor for you. Remember, only God can change a man. Marry someone you have the same belief with. It just makes life easier.
6. House chores/responsibilities: is he of the opinion that a wife will do all the work in the house and the only thing that he does is work to bring money home. Are you going to have house helps ( for those that have access to such). While this might not be a problem for some women, it’s still important to talk about it and know where you both stand. This is to avoid all the crying that some women do about being overwhelmed and doing all the work at home without any help from the husband. What if you are pregnant and very sick? Is he going to take care of you himself or will he ask you to go and stay with your mum or his mum until you get better?
Are you both going to keep working and try and still make things work or does he expect you to quit your job and stay at home? There are no right or wrong answers, you just have to make sure it’s what you want. The fact that you are a wife does not mean you sacrifice your career/goals in life. In Fact, it should mean that you now have someone to support you in achieving your goals/dreams so it’s not very overwhelming.
7. Abuse: what are his and your thoughts about domestic abuse (in whatever shape or form). Some people think it’s normal for husband to shout on their wives and some people cannot take this at all. If a man is abusive as a boyfriend/fiancee, please do not marry him. Abusers hardly ever change. It only gets worse and don’t let a man deceive you by saying, it’s the devil’s fault. Let him go and cure his anger issues first. There are so many things to pray about when you get married (I mean things that will crop up). Why would you want to have the prayer points already? An abusive man needs help and it’s not from his battered wife.
8. Privacy: what are your thoughts on privacy? Some men password their phones and expect to read everything on their wives’ phones. I’ve heard women warning other women not to touch their husband’s phone because of what they might see. Some women don’t mind while some do. As for me, there is no privacy in marriage. Hubby and I agree on that one long time ago. We have passwords because of the kids and we know each others passwords. We answer each others call and read text messages. He forgets to read his messages many times so I help him read them so he can respond to whoever sends it. He reads my messages for fun and I do same with his, not because I’m trying to look for something. We both don’t think we have anything to hide. It’s called marriage – 2 becoming 1.
9. Money: how should money be handled? Should you both declare your assets? Do you want a joint account? Who is a better manager? Who is the spender? What works for A may not work for B, so you have to find your own way. Most people are against joint accounts and for understandable reasons. If you decide on a joint account, there should be rules that work for both parties e.g. Both have access to the account and no one draws any money from it without the permission of the other. We run a joint account, we have no personal accounts. All we earn goes into the same account and we use for the family as needed. It’s never mattered who earned what. We don’t spend a dime without getting each others opinion, not even for our individual families. It’s worked for us. It may not work for someone else. We had rules from the beginning and we stood by it.
All in all, I think it’s important that couples talk about money issues before they get married and transparency is the key.
10. Children: how many do you want to have? What are your modes of discipline? Is a child’s sex very important? What happens if you don’t have children after years of marriage? Hopefully, this does not happen but if it does, how should it be managed? Make sure you are on the same page.
11. Sex: talk about sex and not practice the act. So many things to talk about on this issue— sex positions how far would you explore/experiment, which area is a NO NO. Who has authority over whose body? Does a woman have to give in all the time or vice versa? What if one party is not comfortable about a method/position/style? Do you have to fulfill each others crazy fantasies regardless of how the other party feels.
Some people are of the opinion that there is no rape in marriage. Talk about all these stuffs that can possibly destroy a home.
These are some of the things to talk about before you get married. If his responses are not what you want for your life, then you move on and hold on to God who will bring your own man your way. Of course, prayer cannot be overemphasized but I don’t believe in prayer without action. We have brain so that we can use it. Till our wedding day, one of her prayer points was that God sees the future, if He knows our marriage will not work, He should please break us up before we say ‘I do’ even if it’s on the D-day.
Yes men lie, so do women. So I told my husband when dating, after asking him at different times all the questions above and a whole lot more, ‘if you change after marriage and go against your word and promises, technically I can leave you because that would be a marriage based on lies’. He can do the same if he finds out I’ve been lying to him too. I was not scared of being single. I’m an independent woman. I am complete on my own (with Jesus in me). I never for once thought I needed a man to complete me. Only Jesus can complete someone.
By all means, Marriage is meant to be forever. That’s how it was designed to be but in some cases separation or divorce is inevitable. It’s not a do or die affair. You give your best but you shouldn’t have to give your life for it. Jesus has died for us, so don’t sacrifice yourself for any reason —- be it children, parents or society.
For singles, you still have time to change things and change your destiny.
For the married, you can’t continue doing things the same way and expect a change. Pray for wisdom and direction from God. Know what you can and cannot take. Voice it out.
Don’t forget though, if you want a good man, you must be a good woman too and this is why you work on yourself and be complete before thinking of getting married and even when married, you don’t stop working on yourself to be a better person both for your family and the society at large.
Communication is important. Know where you both stand on issues. Two cannot walk together unless they agree. Pray for one another.
owlposter 